Proactive divorce advice: How to get out of a bad marriage with dignity & integrity

What does it mean to be proactive? You look into the future and you see the effects of your actions. If you like the outcome, you keep doing what you're doing. If you don't, you have to do something else.

How does this apply to divorce? I am suggesting that you avoid the pitfalls of the traditional, adversarial divorce and make divorce the first step to rebuilding your life, with integrity and dignity.

If you're in the midst of a divorce, you're experiencing a lot of pressures. Major decisions have to be made, about who keeps the marital residence, how money is shared, how the children are cared for, etc... All of this happens in a climate of distrust between you and your ex.

You may feel that dealing with your feelings is a luxury you can't afford at this time. You may be afraid that, if you were to be too conscious of your emotions, you might no longer be capable of coping with the pressures of your divorce. But it's just the opposite.

Divorce opens some of your deepest wounds... yours as well as your partner's. You push each other's buttons. This makes it more and more difficult to deal squarely with the issues. This is why the typical divorce takes so long to be finalized.

You can't do much about your partner's wounds and emotional state. But you can do a lot about yours. Dealing with your emotional issues will help you deal more efficiently with all the other issues.

In other words, dealing with your emotional divorce is not just a way to rebuild your life... it is also an investment in reducing the aggravation of your divorce process.

I want to warn you about the effects of the traditional, adversarial divorce.

By the time you have faced how bad your marriage has been, and how much it makes sense for you to get out of it, chances are you're deeply hurt and angry. So the temptation is strong to think of the divorce process as a way to strike back. And our legal system certainly encourages you to do this. Divorce is fought through two lawyers who act as champions for the two spouses, fighting it off.

The goal is for one person to win, and for the other to lose. The strategy is to assign as much blame as possible to the other person. The tactics include costly legal battles.

The outcome? Thousands and thousands of dollars go down the drain in legal fees. There is even more distrust and acrimony between your spouse and you than there was at the beginning. How can this not happen after slinging so much mud at each other? Not to mention emotional scars that will last for years, for you as well as your children.

What does it mean to be proactive?

You look into the future and you see the effects of your actions. If you like the outcome, you keep doing what you're doing. If you don't, you have to do something else.

If you go the adversarial route, the divorce is pretty bleak. This is why I am inviting you to go for a conscious, responsible divorce.

What makes a divorce responsible is that the two of you do not indulge in the adversarial, destructive process of the traditional divorce. Your ex and you find a balance between a need for separation and a profound love for what the two of you still have in common: your children.

This is about keeping your integrity and self respect. You do not use the legal system to act out your frustrations. You know that divorce is going to be difficult and painful... so you plan accordingly, and you seek support, not just legal representation. As a result, your divorce turns out to be a growth experience, instead of a nightmare.

Ideally, both your ex and you have the same commitment to a "responsible divorce", and you help each other stay on the right track. However, if your ex does not have the same degree of commitment to this, then it is all the more important that you do not use this as a reason to lessen your own commitment.

It is much easier said than done. We are human, and divorce heightens our emotions, brings us back to the raw feelings we experienced in our own early childhood, such as intense frustration and anguish about things that are "unfair." From that place, it is normal, very human, to want to strike back ("It's only fair!").

A difficult divorce tends to send us back into these murky, difficult, unresolved, early childhood feelings. From that place, as we revert to childish emotions, we cannot be the adult parents we want to be. It is a constant struggle to remember this, to feel the intensity of our feelings, and to make an effort to contain them as opposed to acting them out. Remembering our love for our children can help us turn the turmoil of divorce into an opportunity to overcome our own emotional difficulties, and to grow into the parent we want to be, the person we want to be.

See also: Proactive counseling

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