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Marriage & relationship problems: Conflict resolution for couples

When there is a conflict in relationship, we tend to focus on the issues. One person wants one thing, and the other person wants something else. One person sees things one way, and the other sees things another way. So we naturally assume that the way to solve the conflict is to deal with the issues.

In this article, I want to present another perspective on the situation. In this approach, we don't focus so much on the issues as we focus on the dynamics that go on within the relationship. Now, of course, I do not in any way mean that issues are irrelevant when one tries to solve conflicts within a couple. What I am saying is that, sometimes, just focusing on the issues obscures some deeper undercurrents. Dealing with these undercurrents, some of the hidden dynamics that go on within the relationship, helps you make it much easier to deal with the issues themselves.

I will focus here on one of the most powerful dynamics that can create tension in couples. It is the conflict that each person experiences, between the pull to see yourself as part of the couple, and the pull to see yourself as a separate person. Think of it as a slider on an electronic appliance: one end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is the couple; the other end of the slider corresponds to the position where the only thing that counts is being a separate person. Neither of these extreme positions is workable: if the only thing that counts is being a couple, you are stifled as a person; if the only thing that counts being separate, then there is not much common ground for being a couple. So, obviously, the slider is going to have to be some place in between, and the hard part is figuring out where...

So I'm going to suggest another image. Instead of thinking of the slider as something external, imagine that you are the slider. Imagine that you are standing up with your tow arms stretched out. And imagine that somebody is pulling at each arm. One arm is being pulled in the direction of making the couple the priority, in the other arm is pulled in the direction of making you the priority.

If you think of this image in purely static terms, the "perfect" position is one where you experience an equal pull from each direction, and as a result your body stays right in the middle. In practice, it is of course not possible to have the two forces balance each other at every moment. What happens is that, one moment, the pull is stronger from one direction; at another moment, the pull is stronger from the other direction. Your body moves left and right, following the direction of the pull. But, over time, it keeps coming back to the center position. In that sense, it is like the slider I mentioned earlier: you move it back and forth because you keep adjusting it to produce maximum comfort for you at any time.

So, in what way does this approach change the way you would view conflict in your relationship? If you think in terms of issues, what’s important is the issues themselves. The goal is to determine what makes sense, in an "objective" way. What is "objective" is considered better than what is "subjective"--it is considered to be above the fray. But, as a result, this also means that how you feel doesn't count, is not really allowed in this discussion.

On the other hand, something changes when you use the perspective I have been outlining here. Instead of the issue itself being the primary consideration, you see two people struggling. There is a conflict between these two people, but there is also, for each of you, an inner conflict. Inside each of you, there is a tug-of-war between two conflicting needs (the need to be a couple, and the need to be fully yourself). Each of you is struggling about where to position the inner slider I talked about above.

This is a very subjective place (and I don’t mean that in a derogatory way: human beings are by nature subjective). What counts is to find the place where both you and your partner feel as comfortable as possible. Notice the word “feel”: The emphasis is not going to be just on what is right or makes logical sense, it's going to be on what "feels" right to each of you.

In some way, you are trying to arrive at a compromise. But the notion of compromise here is different. All too often, what we think of doubt as a compromise he is a measure that will be some way in-between what each of you wants, and will frustrate both of you because it's not what either of you wants. The notion of compromise is very much related to the idea that you are in an adversarial position, that you are at a stalemate, and each of you has to give up something because the other person forces them to.

In the approach I am describing, you view the struggle is an internal struggle. Each of you is experiencing a conflict between, on the one hand wanting to feel part of the couple, and on the other hand wanting to make yourself as the priority. You are shifting your focus from experiencing your partner as the person who is limiting you. Instead, you are focusing on your own internal struggle, imagining that you're moving the slider toward one position, then the other, and giving yourself a chance to figure out which position feels comfortable for you.

What are you experiencing inside as the slider moves toward one direction, then the other? One direction is to give the sense of being a couple more of a priority; the reward for it, emotionally, is that you feel yourself be emotionally in tune with what your partner wants, you feel the empathy, and you feel a sense of love. When the slider moves in the other direction, you are more attuned to your own needs, and the sense of strength, or integrity, that comes with that.

When you feel hurt, you're going to have less of a tendency to experience empathy as a strong pull. You're going to think in terms of "What about me?". And, if both of you feel hurt and approach things from the position of "What about me?", then you're each going to be pulled away from what it is that keeps you together as a couple. Trying to find the "right" solution to the issue is not necessarily going to be helpful to this emotional problem. What's going to be more helpful is to experience that there is a place where you can feel empathy without losing yourself. In other words: a way that you can pay attention to your partner's needs without your needs being trampled.

The following is a footnote for people who have read "Feel Heard, Not Hurt" (available free on this site).

The active listening approach I describe there is a practical application of what I've been saying in this article. Practicing active listening, taking turns to hear each other before expressing your needs and wants, is a good way to train yourselves to experience the movements of the slider inside of you, as you shift between a focus on empathy with your partner, and a focus on yourself. The more you practice this, the more you become aware that it is not an either-or situation. You don't have to choose between either being totally focused on empathy with your partner, or totally focused on your own needs. You can, and should, go back and forth. Moving the slider in each direction, and experiencing how it feels, is not a way to lose your sense of self, it is actually a way to strengthen it.

See also: couple counseling.

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