|
It was a common scenario. Six year old Tyler’s parents were getting
a divorce and he spent every Wednesday evening and every other weekend
with his Dad. One week, Tyler complained to his father that his mother
was mean to him, and that she made him go to bed at 7 o’clock
and only gave him a peanut butter sandwich for supper. (He forgot to
mention that he had been playing in the street and almost got hit by
a car so Mom had been giving him a consequence.) Dad felt angry that
his son was being treated so poorly, but he tried to make it easier
on Tyler by saying only, “Maybe you were bothering Mom and she
just needed some time to herself.” It hadn’t occurred to
Tyler that his mother thought he was a bother and that she might not
want to be with him so much.
He went back to Mom’s house and after a few days, when Mom was
putting him to bed, he said, “Do you think I’m a bother?”
Mom said, “Of course not! Why would you think that?” Tyler
replied, “Dad told me.” Mom was furious that Dad would poison
Tyler’s mind with no reason whatsoever. She didn’t say anything
to Tyler, but he could tell how mad she was about what he said. He decided
he really must be a bother and Mom was mad that he had found out the
truth. After she left the room, he cried himself to sleep.
Mom phoned Dad, called him a few choice names and threatened to get
his parenting time removed if he ever lied to Tyler like that again.
Dad swore at her and yelled, “We’ll see who ends up with
custody when we’re done. You’re too busy with your boyfriends
to pay attention to our son!” After that, Mom and Dad didn’t
talk to each other any more.
When Tyler went to Dad’s, he was excited about having gone to
the circus with Mom and somebody named Paul, who had bought him cotton
candy and stayed overnight at their house. (Tyler forgot to say that
Mom’s college roommate had come to visit with her new husband
and that Sara had been there, too.) Now Dad was really angry. Mom was
corrupting Tyler’s morality. When Tyler was coming in from playing
in the yard, he overheard Dad talking to his friend on the phone about
“that b----“ and how he’d like to fix it so she’d
never see Tyler again. That night, Tyler cried himself to sleep at Dad’s
house.
It wasn’t long before Dad decided he really did need to seek
custody of Tyler to protect him from the terrible treatment he was getting
at Mom’s house. When Mom found out, she asked a friend who lived
near Dad to watch what was going on when Tyler visited there. One day,
Tyler was in the front yard, tripped on his shoelace and skinned his
knee on the sidewalk. He started crying and sat down on the front steps
to look at the damage as Mom’s friend drove by and saw him. Dad
heard Tyler crying and came out to see what was wrong, but the friend
had driven past by that time. Tyler came home with a Spiderman Band
Aid on his knee that he said he had put on by himself. (He forgot to
mention that Dad had administered first aid before that and Tyler had
begged to be allowed to put on the Band Aid himself.) This was later
described in court as “callous disregard for Tyler’s medical
needs”.
The story goes on and on. This one is fictitious, but in my clinical
practice, I hear about similar plots being acted out in children’s
lives every day. When separated parents fail to communicate about their
child, the hurt and anger of divorce contaminate the assumptions that
are made in the absence of other information. Children often relate
only the parts of a story that are significant to them and leave out
other important details. Kids who know their parents are mad at each
other often try to please the one they’re with by saying negative
or distorted things about the other parent. Younger children, particularly,
are very suggestible and can be led to say what they think you want
to hear. Adolescents are not above manipulating parents with information
taken out of context. Youngsters often blame parents for things that
they themselves did wrong. Parents MUST check things out in a nonblaming
way with the other parent and arrive at solutions to parenting problems
together. Your wounds and your fury must be set aside when it comes
to raising your innocent children. They didn’t ask for the divorce,
and they still need both of you.
Thalia Ferenc, MSW, MA, CSW is a
psychotherapist in Kentwood, MI. She is a Diplomate of Clinical Forensic
Counseling and works on parenting plans and coordination, as well as
child custody evaluations. See website.
|
|
|
