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Traditional thinking about divorce in America used to be of the all-or-nothing
kind:
- either you are married (in which case you are expected to cooperate
with each other),
- or you're divorced (in which case you're supposed to be so at odds
with each other that you can't possibly cooperate, even on something
that is as important to both of you as raising your children).
In contrast, the "responsible divorce" is about balance.
You recognize that there are conflicting needs, and you do your best
to balance them:
- Quite obviously, there is a need for separation; divorced people
cannot continue to act as a married couple; you need to rebuild your
lives as separate individuals.
- On the other hand, both of you have some common goals. At the very
least, these common goals include making the divorce more gentle on
yourselves, keeping your own dignity, saving the money that could easily
be wasted in a high-conflict divorce...
When there are children involved, there is even more of a common goal:
continuing to parent your children. You divorce each other and lead
separate lives, but you remain parents of the same children. It works
best for the children when the parents find a way to cooperate with
each other, starting with the divorce process itself.
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